I was looking back on my last posts and realizing how frozen I feel trying to get back into writing here, the momentum having left, each time I sit down to write I feel like I have never had an original thought in my life. That said, it is so cool to look back and have my writing recorded in one place. So, while spending time putting my thoughts down feels really challenging, I can also feel the satisfaction of having done it before. It reminds me of how I felt long ago on instagram when it really was about just sharing process, I can feel that here when I look at my past writings and I want to keep pushing it. So all of that to say, I am sorry for the mini break, I hope you can forgive me, it’s just what had to happen and I am going to move forward with new intentions.
I often find that I am sitting in the present thinking about a future time when I will feel less overwhelmed only to realize the feelings of overwhelm just stay the same, so I need to adjust my behavior or get used to feeling overwhelmed. I think the overwhem happens for me because when someone asks me to commit to something 6 months from now, I think- there is no way I will feel nuts then, so of course! Happy to! Only to have done that 10 times and suddenly be up to my eyes with commitments and feeling like I can’t disappoint people. I have decided that this has to change, I have to change. Unless it is something I am unbelievably fired up about or have to do- it’s a maybe for me. Which is really a soft no! The aim is to preserve energy and time for the things that really matter to me- like spending time with Dave, my old dogs, having time to make paintings just for me, taking a road trip up to the cabin, going for a hike, spending time writing! Reading! Working on my graphic novel!
The hard part for me is that the things I need to hit with a ‘maybe’ or ‘soft no’, are still things I like! It’s not that I don’t like them- it’s more that I can’t do everything. I don’t have the capacity and so what ends up happening is I do all these things and I barely have time or energy for the things that are most important. SO, in and amongst all the work things are other things that I keep bringing on, volunteering for, saying yes to- that I love! But need to say yes to less- or be more mindful of when I do say yes. I can’t tell if this makes sense but I believe in our ability to find sense in it.
I finished that mural for Lululemon in July, which I wrote about for Earthling in a past post and in my mind, I had a break after that. But past Lindsay had said yes to more things and essentially said no to free time so I spent the last month and a half sprinting to finish prepping for the start of the semester at CCA and finishing up a 6 month long project I did for Kiva Confections (that I am insanely proud of myself about). I just finished Kiva last week- got the final approval back on the last video today and I have been battling this weird empty feeling that comes at the end of the marathon of client work. It’s weirdly not as satisfying as I think it will be- it never is- and it takes me quite a bit to shake the funk off.
It’s so easy to get lost in feeling untethered after a long client project ends- I think I wrote about this before but I always compare the feeling to grief. Freelance work is so hard because even if you struggle with a project, say none of it is going as planned or the client is difficult etc- when it ends you are of course celebratory but also so much of my time and energy has been focused on this thing- and now it’s done. Redirecting that energy is so challenging. I luckily have some mystery paintings in the works and I have been able to throw myself into those. I also have a few unfinished paintings which is one of my favorite ways to make myself feel better- finish something that is like 60 percent of the way there. It never fails to make me feel accomplished and remind myself of who the fuck I am. You know?
If you have taken YBR or Night Class from me or used to be a patron, you remember my New Year’s Space Odyssey page which you can find here- it’s really a place to ground yourself in your values, remember who you are and recalibrate, so your actions meet your goals. I use it a few times a year- I usually just choose one or two things as prompts to get me writing or thinking about my current situation. I have been revisiting some of the questions and prompts from that page and it’s helping me to remember what is important. I love making lists of things I have accomplished over the last 6 months and reminding myself that while I feel wildly empty right now, that doesn’t mean I am or that I will be forever. Lists of events or things that have made me stressed or overwhelmed helps me to be specific and know not to commit myself to those things or put myself in those positions in the future. If you use it, let me know, I would love to hear what resonated for you or what you realized.
As always, thanks for being here!
Some fun things…
I am obsessed with Ruined a podcast where Halle and Alison ruin a horror movie for you- it is so funny, really thoughtful and I think what I enjoy most is that even if the movie is not good, Halle still has a good time and finds fun things about it.
After finishing the most recent Riley Sager horror novel I am now reading Catch the Light by Kate Sweeney- highly recommend- beautiful YA novel written by a Bay Area bud who also has a substack- you can find here
Thought this was an interesting read about childrens books- and the need for keeping them weird and letting them be dark!
If you have the time, this is a very thoughtful first hand article on arts education from a ceramics professor discussing where arts education is headed as more and more programs and faculty are cut. As someone working in arts education for the last two and a half years in a college setting- I feel so much of this deeply- the business of higher education when it comes to humanities or things that we can’t pinpoint a career path or profit from… woosh lots of thoughts and feelings
Love the River painting 🩷
I very much relate to the scheduling things too far out (I couldn’t possibly be busy!) and then sprinting to fulfill all those commitments.