It’s taken me a minute but I am back to waking up way before the sun, walking in the dark and working out early before working. Everyone is different, and honestly I am different seasonally. Right now I am finding I am liking being up before everyone in my house, before most people in other houses and walking in the dark. I like watching the sun come up.
That being said, it has not been easy to change my habit back into something that works for me. Over the holiday break I had naturally allowed myself to wake up a little later, have a slower start to my days. Which is nice! The time for sleeping in feeling nice has passed for me. I found the last few weeks I was getting anxiety by the time I got home from my walks and would end up wanting to skip my yoga or swim only to rush into the studio and sit around staring at stuff and not making good work.
I often find there is a disconnect in my mind between knowing I need to change how I am showing up and then actually doing it. For me- a large part of it is simple- it’s hard to do! Especially when nobody is asking me to do it! Waking up when it’s dark out is freaking hard, my partner is still asleep, the dogs are happy to keep sleeping- so it is actually easier for me not to do it.
Another example, this one is from today- it’s hard to get in the water when its windy and the water temp is 49! In fact, it’s so hard that I got back in my car and considered skipping it. Then I decided to make a bargain with myself. I love bargaining and I had forgotten I used to do this last winter with open water swimming in the cold. I said- all I have to do is get in. That is it. I can get in, dunk my head, get out and take a hot shower. Of course, that bargain changes when I do the dunk- I shift it to all I have to do is swim to the first bouy- then I can get out! Then the second and so on. Same with waking up early- I usually start by saying- I can come back and get back in bed if I want! Or I will set up my coffee maker the night before and add some dunkin donut’s hazelnut grounds to it so it feels special. Literally anything to get myself to do the thing.
What sort of bargain can I make to show up? The way I frame this with my students is- what would make this feel joyful? Luxurious? Maybe it’s taking a break and getting a fancy coffee or allowing myself to wear your pajamas all day (currently wearing sweats and a huge sweater as I write this). The point being that showing up is hard. Doing the work is hard. Sometimes I have a nostalgia for painting, swimming or whatever because I can only remember the fun aspects of it. But if I had the full experience of my memories I would remember that it was a battle then too and I did it anyway. Sitting down to paint at midnight after a 8 hour serving shift. Getting in the water when it was raining and 4 foot waves. Making revisions to a client project that I am struggling with and would rather not do- only for it to be my favorite thing I have made to date. If I really think about it, those struggles, showing up anyway, is what made the good parts even better.
One of the tricks I find helpful with shifting my wakeup time is making it earlier in 15 minute increments each day (or week if you want to ease into it). I do the same for swimming- right now it’s really cold and you have to have and build a tolerance for swimming in these temps. I was gone for a few weeks for trips and some big storms were going on when I was here and the temp dropped fast during that time! To build my tolerance up I have just been adding time each time I get in so I can slowly (and safely) be back where I was. It isn’t easy and the fun part is the hot shower after and laughing with the other swimmers in the sauna- but those fun parts wouldn’t exist for me without the getting in.
As I write this, I just want to emphasize that of course showing up can sometimes feel easy, but that’s only after showing up when it’s hard too. Painting when I have bills to pay, drawing when I also need to do laundry, swimming when I don’t have to and I could just stay warm in my car, waking up when it’s dark and nobody asked me to. I don’t have to do these things, but then I would miss the color of the sky when the sun is about to come up, the feeling of joy as I put on my wool socks and boots after a swim and the feelings of growth in my work after showing up. When nobody asked.
I sometimes will make a list of the ways I can bargain with myself, or ways to make this experience more joyful or luxurious. The trap I can get into is feeling like luxury or joy are tied to monetary things- buying a coffee, buying a breakfast treat or going shopping or whatever. What I find more challenging but sustainable is finding luxury and joy in things I already have. Maybe that means it’s an action- I swam and what would make this experience more luxurious is wearing my cozy clothes after I get out. I got up early so maybe what would make this joyful is to listen to that mystery novel I got from the libby app while walking (one earbud out, not looking to live too dangerously).
So here’s to early mornings, cozy studio days and showing up to paint even when it feels hard.
Lindsay, I love this prompt in this piece - “What sort of bargain can I make to show up?”
I sometimes think of it as the “activation energy” to show up. When you get over that initial hurdle to get there it can feel difficult but afterwards it can be very satisfying and personally rewarding (whatever the task might be on hand)! Thanks always for your perspective and reflections 💫