AMA: finding friends as adults!

a little bit ask alice, a lot a bit me rambling

A halloween illustration I made for a marketing campaign this week using gouache and watercolor

This week I thought I would take some time to answer a few questions that people have asked me here- if you want me to answer a question for you, related to art, life or anything else- please leave it in the comments or email it to me at lindsay@lindsaystripling.com

Please keep in mind that I am not a therapist, an expert or by any means qualified to give you life advice- take all thoughts and musings as just that- thoughts an musings by a 39 year old white woman who is imperfect and human and navigating this world as well.

The first question comes from Emily:

I am wondering if you have any advice for intentionally growing a friendship with someone who isn't already a friend, still more of an acquaintance - someone you admire and think is cool and would like to get to know better? This feels almost like asking for dating advice hahaha but I would love to know if you have thoughts on the challenging art of making new friends as an adult :)

I love this question. It of course comes after my own musings on real life connections vs social media which you can read about here.

Making friends as an adult is a challenge- a lot of people who were or are currently your friends might have made some big life choices that make it difficult to spend as much time together- like moving, taking a new job somewhere new, getting into a new relationship or starting a family among a miriad of other things.

As someone who is 39 without children, most of my friends from my 20s and 30s have done one or all of those things. This doesn’t mean we aren’t friends, it just means our friendship looks different, I sometimes babysit as a means of support and care for my friends who are parents. I call my sister, who doesn’t live in the same city as me, a few times a week on my dog walks/ her commute home. Friendships don’t always stay the same and the require different things from us as we grow! This is normal. That said- it’s also normal to then want to or need to seek out other friendships if your social needs are able to be met currently!

First of all- I want to address what Emily asked which is predicated upon already having an idea of someone who you want to foster this friendship with! There are lots of nuanced things here- but likely this is someone who you are familiar with enough to know you would likely enjoy their company and want to know more about them. If that is the case, I say keep it light but also intentional. My favorite way to get to know other people is through a daytime activity- I have dogs and a dog walk and talk with coffee sprinkled in is very low stakes and always a great way to spend an afternoon. If they cancel- I will likely do it anyway since someone has to walk these dudes- and its affordable for me and also for them.

Sometimes when people approach me for a hang along those lines- they will say a specific thing they would like to know more about or discuss- which is nice! It’s nice to know that people are curious about you! So when I ask other people to do this I do the same- I will say something like:

“Emily, would you want to go for coffee and maybe wander around the park with me on my dog walk? I saw your recent show and would love to hear more about what you are working on!”

Maybe make it sound less dorky- or maybe don’t! I try to remember, even when we are excited about or even admire the person we are potentially looking to hang with- I don’t need to pretend to be someone else, be cooler than I am or be like someone we think they would enjoy. If I am really trying to make a friend- the hope is they connect to me. The other things is- asking someone to do this does feel hard. It feels really vulnerable! That’s ok!

You could also invite them to an event- maybe a friend is having a bbq, or you are hosting one! Depending on the level of knowledge you have about this person, the way you go about this might be different- the point is to make it casual and fun for both of you. Even after that one hang- you likely wont be best friends, but perhaps you will want to meet up again, or they invite you to something. Making friends takes time.

Developing and starting a new friendship at this stage (adults) is hard for a lot of reasons. A lot of the friends we collect over the years are friends of convenience- we know them through work, a friend of a friend, or maybe they are family. Seeking friendship outside of those comfort zones requires vulnerability- and not in the heavy conversation sort of way (although that can be it) but in the putting ourselves out there kind of way! When we are younger- everything is us putting ourselves out there- we are new to everything- to life! As we age it can be easy to stick to what we know and get less comfortable with being new at things, with being uncomfortable. It can be a little like dating- which is really trying to find someone you connect with too.

So how do we do this? Well, if you don’t have a specific person in mind there are other ways to do this!

I would encourage you to just dive a little deeper into your own interests- this is not new cutting edge advice. If you are curious about ceramics- maybe take a class at the community college. If you enjoy running, join a running group! Just think about what you want more of in your life- and go down that path and see if you can expose yourself to communities that already exist centered around those things.

I have been doing this for myself over the last few years since the pandemic because I felt really isolated and I wanted to connect to others in a more meaningful way in person. When I was younger I might have sought out a group focused on art- but now that art is my career and perhaps just with age, I really wanted to do something that has nothing really to do with that part of my life.

I am a swimmer, but I hadn’t done open water swimming since college and I joined a group here in San Francisco that does open water swimming, in the bay! I really wanted to dive into something challenging, physical and a space where I felt I had a lot to learn. It’s a volunteer based club- I do pay a membership but I think of it like a gym fee, and they do have a weightroom. I think when we live on social media- we assume spaces like this use those platforms, but I would encourage anyone looking to find a group to expand outside of social media to find these communities. Lots of communities, especially ones that have been around a long time- don’t use social media in the way we are used to. So maybe look at message boards, unfortunately facebook can be a resource (lol), asking around, community colleges, the library etc! I say that just because we can limit our options if we expect these communities we might be interested in joining to have a robust instagram following or something. I used to attend a life drawing night and I only knew about it because of a pretty unattractive flier that would be posted at my school- but like 30 people would be there every Friday!

Some things to note- when I first joined the swim club I casually or tangentially met a few people- I would show up to swim at aquatic park, using the facilities for the sauna and showers- and people were kind but they weren’t my friends yet. Joining a group doesn’t mean you suddenly have friends.

SO I realized I needed to find a way to participate more. I started swimming the club swims AND volunteering to help the club swims. The club swims were a few weekends a month or so- so not too time consuming. I began showing up an hour before the swims started to help at the check in desks- then found they needed help with this or with that and eventually found a groove for helping facilitate the swims and also for swimming in new groups with new people. I met some people, I swam with some people regularly- and while not everyone is my best friend- It opened me up to a lot of new friendships! So participation in not just a self fulfilling way- but in more of a generous way seemed to be a great way for me to genuinely connect and spend time with others in a way that felt good to me.

One thing I didn’t anticipate when I joined this club in particular is that a lot of these new friends would be older than me! I had not really had a ton of intergenerational friendships before- and I think it’s best (just like with dating) to not go into one of these activities with a set idea of what type of friend you want. We can go into expanding our community or friend circle with very rigid ideas of what our new friend/s might be like. This is really limiting- and also rarely works out. It can also stop us from seeing the real human beings around us as friends.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful, you feel a little encouraged to find new friends, ways of connecting and expanding your community. That’s all this is! We aren’t saying we don’t like our old friends, but perhaps we are open to meeting new people that might help us expand the way we see the world and laugh at ourselves a little more. Be patient, know that it’s a process- and the cool thing is that the more we put ourselves in positions to be new, try new things and be uncomfortable- the benefits often go beyond our original intentions.

If you found this helpful, or if you have other thoughts or things to share- throw them in the comments!! I would love to hear more about your experience with this.

If you have a question or thing you want to have me explore in a future post- feel free to put it in the comments or email me at lindsay@lindsaystripling.com

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